Unmasking the shame of anxiety

I got a call from a woman the other day who wanted to talk about her panic attacks and general anxiety. She is in her early thirties and lives with her husband and kids in a small town.

She told me how anxiety and panic attacks were destroying her quality of life and everyday was turning into a pitch battle.

She used to travel all around the world for work, but today she finds it hard to step out the front door for fear of having a panic attack. She has two small kids and they have needs to be met. She has to get over this for their sake. That’s why we are are talking.

I asked her if she had told anyone else about  anxiety problem besides her husband and doctor.

She explained that she had let a few friends know, but in general she kept it to herself, fearing others might start to gossip about it behind her back. I then asked her what it was that really troubled her the most about her anxiety.

She got a little irritated and said “haven’t you been listening to me? I cant leave my home because of this and I have kids to look after. What could be worse than that?”

“No, I get that”, I said “but what REALLY troubles you about your anxiety?”

There was a long silence. Then after a moment she said, “not leaving home is just the half of it, the other stuff I could never admit to anyone, -I am too ashamed of it”

Well try me”  I said “I am pretty much a stranger to you and I don’t imagine we will ever meet in person. You have nothing to lose.”

Okay…so deep down I fear I am losing my mind. Like I am losing  touch with reality. I am not present with my children because I am the whole time thinking about how I am thinking, if that makes any sense?”

“Sometimes I have such disturbing anxious thoughts  of a sexual or violent nature that I truly shock myself” she said as her voice broke with emotion.

Then another brief silence…

 “Random ideas flash across my mind that only a deranged  person would think of…”

“For example?” I asked

“Well, just this morning, I was feeding my little girl and I had this violent thought come to mind. It disturbed me so much I had stop feeding her and lock myself in the bath room for five minutes because I was shaking so much. I mean what kind of mother would think such a thing?”

“I am so ashamed and scared of myself. I would never act on these thoughts but how could I even think them in the first place! That’s what really upsets me the most, I feel I have no control over it”

So I bet you think I am nuts right?

“No not at all”, I said, “in fact I think you are perfectly normal. You are a sane normal person suffering from an overly anxious mind mixed with exhaustion and an active imagination. It is perfectly normal. It is not one bit pleasant but it is normal”

I told her that people can often admit to their doctor or close friends about the panic attacks or general anxiety, but they rarely admit to the things that really upset them the most about their anxiety. They hide their greatest fear so deep and suffer in silence because they fear being told they have a real serious problem.

It is normal for example, for such people to be afraid to pick up a kitchen knife in case they go nuts and stab someone.

Or they get anxious at times behind the wheel of a car, for fear of swerving uncontrollably into coming traffic.

Or they hate to stand on a balcony in case they suddenly decide to jump off it.

What these people do not realize is that what they are going through is much more common than they think. These intrusive thoughts are fueled by a cocktail of high anxiety, exhaustion and an overactive imagination. A lot of people suffer from them (even people you know) but they would never admit it. These type of thoughts come with a feeling of deep shame for even having such thoughts in the first place.

In order to end shame you have to unmask it.

You have to admit it first clearly to yourself. You need to be clear in your own mind about what it is that you could never admit to another. Then the healing can occur.

If this is applicable to you and your anxiety, then post anonymously (or with your first name) about it below. When you start to unmask this shame it lessens it’s power over you.

Posting your story will also help others to open up about their own story. So much of getting over all anxiety is about learning to normalize what feels totally abnormal. When you normalize anxiety you drop your resistance to it and that in turn releases the inner tension you feel around it.

If you do not want to post about it, then at least write it down on paper somewhere and expose it to the light of day.

Unmask it now so in time you can gracefully let it go.

Barry

P.S comments posted below are moderated and will take 24 hours or more to appear on the site.

 

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189 Comments

  • Maria Reply

    I have suffered for general anxiety for 4 years now and with cycles of panic attacks. All stated aster I underwent an easthetical operation and felt so silly afterwards of what I did and risked my life to get more beautiful. The fist panic came after 5 days of the operation ad I belived I was going to die and that something got woorng with the operation. i have this thought that I have something wrong. I have saerche dfor the anwerd to get rid of the panic attacks and uncorfortable feelings of anxiety and now I found this program adn I just stated 2 days ago. I like the approach. I will got for it until i feel careless again. I have never tell anyone (friends, siblings mother, father) that I have anxiety because I am so ashamed of it, it makes me feel worhtless, uncapable of controling my thoughts and emotions.I will expose it to closse persoans that I trust.

    • amine Reply

      HI Maria,
      i have read your post, i just want to say i hope you are better now, my situation is almost exactly the same as you. i have been like this for about 6years. doest it get any better?

  • Sparkles Reply

    I have always suffered general anxiety. I have only shared my social anxiety with a Social Anxiety Support Group, my husband and a few newer friends but few colleagues whom I’ve worked with don’t know. I’ve shared my anxiety with my work place or my family doctor. I’m kind scared with a doctor as I am not keen on being on strong drugs for the rest of my life but also if the strong drugs do work, it’s expensive. I’m not keen on spending money on strong drugs. I’d prefer meditation or something natural like going to a support group. I’m not keen about sharing with my workplace as they might tell to get a doctor’s note or some sort of proof. I am told a work place can’t fire for my social anxiety. The place I work, they fire people A LOT. I suspect they fire employees UNFAIRLY. I feel anxiety at this work place as they give announcement of writing any employees up for having cell phone on the desk, taking to long finish up call, being in the washroom too long, not having enough completed surveys, etc. I’m not all that productive, it’s not that I sit on a toilet the whole shift! I feel hazy to about rebuttals or Q/A. I don’t really want to tell them. I think one supervisor suspects I suffer in someway as she knows me from another company but I never told her.

    I’m glad there is a place I can post my thoughts. Today, I’m going to work feeling worried that I don’t want share my social anxiety. I usually figure if they do fire me, then I can make sure I report them as it is like a hobby for them them to fire employees. I’m not 100 percent sure if all employees have perfect productivity. I don’t share my real true feeling with any employees were I work. I feel all the employees are in 7th heaven. I do work in a call centre, not an easy place to work. I’ve reported two place I’ve formerly worked. My brother and a previous former colleague/friend were happy I’d gotten justice.

    Now, I feel my anxiety is up higher as my brother 24/7 housebound caring for my ill mother at home. My will give instructions and i don’t know what she’s wanting, twice I felt I wanted to self harm myself. I’m a backup/secondary caregiver. I do my best to help my brother but I feel there are times it feel suffocating we can’t find someone who we can turn to for help. We have limited help. There are times i feel like someone i just choking me but I stay alive and have some trouble breathing.

    When I have more time, I’d like to read through the other comments. Glad there is a place to at least share my thoughts.

  • Barb Reply

    So there is all of this advice about panic attacks, but what if you don’t have panic attacks but just get anxious worrying about every little thing that pops into your head? Like I feel that whenever I leave my house a fire is going to start, so I get anxious about having to go anywhere…that is just the tip of the iceberg…what can be done for a chronic worrier?

    • Helen Reply

      Like Barb I suffer constant anxiety – not the occasonal panic attacks. What about the people who are constantly on guard with general anxiety?

  • Prahlad Lamsal Reply

    yes i also feel the same as the lady was feeling. i feel i m going 2 stab my baby boy ( 4 years of age) with a knife that i find or throw him under the tyres of a running bus or push a knife through the secret organ of my wife while we r having an intimate relation or sometimes i feel like i am going 2 jump into the lake that i visit or throw my boy there n so on. i even fear i may suddenly decide 2 commit suicide. every time i read about or hear someone killing herself/ himself i feel extreme heaviness in my heart n fear what might happen 2 my wife ( the dearest thing in life, actually i can’t dream 2 have a better wife) n my boy ( another dearest thing, so cute so loving so sweet……… oh my god help me!!!!!) if i also decide 2 do the same. i don’t plan or wish but just fear that i may accidentally decide. when i hear about insane or mad people again something heavy grips my heart n i can’t feel fresh light for a long time. there r a lot of such feelings. when i watch any violent movie i fear that i may also become like the baddy n go on killing innocent people for no mistake they have done………………………..HELP ME PLEASE

  • Kaitie McDowell Reply

    I suffer from agoraphobia, panic attacks, depression, and general anxiety. I have thoughts about cutting myself, or hurting others. I used to be afraid to cook or do dishes because every time I saw the knives I would be afraid of hurting someone. I considered throwing the knives out several times. I’ll never allow myself to get a gun either for the same reason. I feel like I can’t trust myself. Of course, like many other anxiety sufferers, I’m afraid of going insane or losing control. I’ve been on the Panic Away program for 3 weeks now and I can’t shake the thought that I’m worse off than all these other people. I’ve let it get too bad and I won’t be able to get better. Emails like this really help. Thank you Barry for caring and for all of you for having the courage it takes to share these feelings an thoughts. We’ll get through this!!

  • Abhinav Asthana Reply

    Hello Mr. Barry,

    First of all thank you for your help. If it was not for your writings and quotes from Dr. Harry Barry, I would have never been able to stand up on my feet.

    I am suffering from panic disorder and generalised anxiety since 2007. Two years ago (since 2015, present) the panic disorder came as a setback. It was healed a bit before.

    I am ashamed of violent thoughts that some cruel force is trying to destroy my mind and eventually trying to kill me. I am grateful for the forum that I can admit it openly here. I already feel relaxed.

    I need to be tolerant and patient and leave rest to therapy and prayer.

    Best Regards,
    Abhinav Asthana

  • Rislinza Reply

    I have felt these similar things and am trying to get everything out in the open. They got me really scared at first when I started experiencing disturbing thoughts and got so worried, confused, and scared by them, causing more anxiety. It started with having panic attacks and I think because I was mentally exhausted from the previous job I had. I luckily found a new job that is not toxic to my physical and mental health. However, I started getting panic attacks shortly after getting the new job. I thought everything was getting better a couple weeks later and realized I was just fearing getting another panic attack. I kept trying to ignore these fears and I was able to except at night going to sleep. I soon started fearing sleeping. Later, I was getting disturbing thoughts like killing myself with a knife, but only because I had a knife in my hand while cutting vegetables. The thought just entered my mind and really scared me. I didn’t know why I was feeling this way and began to get more anxious. It makes sense now that it is from being mentally exhausted which makes your anxiety heighten, causing you to react more strongly to these thoughts. I also have been fearing eating because the thought had entered my mind that what if I can never eat again, even though I know it’s irrational. Luckily, I found the book Panic Away shortly after starting to feel this way and it is helping me first realize that these feelings are normal for an anxiety disorder and I believe the cause for me was mental exhaustion (as explained in the book) and that I can have control over the fears instead of them having control over me. I am in the process of desentization of my higher level of anxiety. Between the initial panic attacks and now the general anxiety, it has been about a month of feeling this way so I am glad a found the book early on.

  • Frank Reply

    Hi all,

    Been dealing with driving anxiety for years and honestly I am sick of it. I get very nervous in heavy traffic and on mountain roads. I STILL drive but it’s hard. Using many methods to deal and thinking of trying again Panicaway.

    I any case I will continue to fight. I want my life back!!

  • Madz Reply

    Dear All,
    I can relate almost all to your stories. I was also suffering from anxiety since Nov last year. Thanks to Barry for his book DARE. It helped me a lot. I just had the book last week and I am now recovering…I haven’t had any attack since last week. Truly a blessing from God! I strongly recommend you read the book, practice and believe! Miracles do happen… angels do exist! Million thanks to the author. Wish you too can access it. Have a speedy recovery everyone.

  • Terry Reply

    It really is refreshing and quite staggering, the amount of stories and emails/links from Barry and you guys that have made me say “oh my god, exactly!” I have had panic attacks very occasionally since about aged 14. The thing was, I was always able to chalk it down to one thing or another, alcohol, marijuana ( as teenagers you laugh about it and say that you had a “whitey” and move on) I wrestled with my own personal identity for many years and took steps to change that. Terrible family relations which I have since repaired. So it came as a complete shock when I began my 6 week holiday which started with a week of trekking around southern Spain with my best friend. I became physically ill, trembling, pressure in my head, extreme fatigue, nausea…so much so that I had to go home to my caring partner who was so horrified at how I looked that he took me straight to ER. It turns out that I have some vitamin deficiencies but all the other symptoms would appear to be anxiety…but doesn’t anxiety only appear if you are anxious? I asked myself. I couldn’t understand. My life has never been better!…..That is the problem! You see, as soon as I had a slight health issue appear, it didn’t take much for those old neurons to fire up again and send me spiralling…I’m just waiting/expecting something to go spectacularly wrong. I’ve literally been out of it for the last week with numerous trips to the doctors. I’m now taking a light herbal supplement to deal with the immediate but the advice and stories I’m reading about here have really helped me to get some perspective. Just yesterday I was sitting on my friends balcony and that thought kept popping in my head, I’m gunna jump! “Of course” I thought, just like I was gunna jump back in 1994 when I had a “whitey” . I’m learning that this anxiety is something that I will probably never get rid of, however, I’m trying to look at it more as something that I am trying to understand and quite frankly its an interesting rather than frightening prospect

  • Angie Reply

    Thank you for sharing that story of the awful thoughts that accompany anxiety, I have been diagnosed with gads 2years now. I was in a destructive marriage and for the past 5 years my life has been a roller coaster ride, rearing my child alone in the midst of a very acrimonious break up, financial worries, sale of my home imminent next year, and chronic back pain. My anxiety has stifled my life to the point where I cannot drive an hours journey to visit my 90 year old mother. I have had some scary thoughts when I would be especially stressed, I never knew till now that other people think same it does rationalise on some level that this is normal with those suffering from anxiety, I feel a little lighter in this moment reading these stories, I have purchased the book but am not in position at the minute to buy the package, I will continue to read the emails and do what it takes to once and for all take back my life, can’t wait for the book to arrive.

  • Sande Shuman Reply

    Reading posts from all these people who suffer anxiety and panic, really highlights some common characteristics of how unchecked anxiety can destroy a person.
    I’ve been keeping up with you, Barry, for a long time now, as I too was dealing with severe panic attacks related to past trauma in my life. I just want you to know that it thrills me to see how you have taken on the healing of so many souls with this debilitating condition. I took the printed version of panicaway, but I haven’t used it as much as I have just read your emails and used your website. I love that you are reaching so many more through your new book, DARE now. Anyone whose work helps others deal with self growth-out of anxiety and into new life- is to be admired greatly! So many people love you! As do I. So many are grateful for your caring and help! As I am also. Stay strong! Continue what you have begun!You are deeply needed on this earth! People need to hear an explanation of their anxiety with words like normalize….unmask….combination of exhaustion and an active imagination…. fear of losing control…. (that’s one of mine) fuels the anxiety….Blessings, Sande

  • Gary Reply

    I get the slightest niggle anywhere in my body and I automatically presumed I had cancer. I get a few sloppy poos and I think bowel cancer has started (a recent friend died of this ) it starts off as a little thought then it keeps going round in my mind until I’m actually convinced I’ve got it and I’ll be dead soon. I tell my wife but never my friends as I know deep down they’ll think I’m stupid.

  • Lety Reply

    My first full blown panic attack happened when my daughter was rushed to the hospital in February 2015. Since then, I haven’t been the same. Just by looking at the clothes I was wearing when we were at the hospital made me feel uneasy. I was back to my normal until October 2015. Woke up on a Sunday due to a panic attack. Then I started having panic attacks on a daily basis. When I’m not having a panic attack, I’m feeling anxiety. Now I’m depressed too. I can’t eat or sleep. All I could think about is, why am I here? What if I hurt my kids while being alone because I’m going crazy? What’s the purpose of life when I’m miserable? But then I start thinking if I’m gone, that will devastate my kids. So what if we all just took something and sleep forever? I’m literally hating myself for thinking those thoughts. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I was tried on Effexor and Pristiq and they both caused my anxiety to get worse. I feel like there is no hope. I just started reading more about this program and I’m trying to face my anxiety. Somedays I can bare the horrible feeling but there are days when I just want to be dead. My husband travels a lot so that doesn’t help my anxiety. Please help me! I’m desperate at this point. I’ve tried meditation, aroma therapy, writing a journal, and I’m talking to a counselor. I don’t know what else to do.

  • Samantha Reply

    Hello my name is Samantha I know gore to rid my anxiety but its hard trying to I know that I’d I try I’m thinking about it by trying to rid it and the key is bout to try but let my mind be free and let any thoughts glossy in and out. I have come along easy with it I use to have it every second of every day but now I’m much better but still in a bit of a battle. I would like help on how to stop ✋ my mind from playing on it.i have also realized that anxiety is a guy feeling. That is all and it feeds off emotions and thoughts. If u overthink things or think of a situation you were angry, annoyed, excited, upset etc u end up with anxiety because your brain and fit work as one to cause that. I’d you feel sick and sluggish again your body isn’t well and feel uncomfortable which causes you to overthink things and concentrate on “anxiety”(gut sensations) causing you to get worse when really you should be calm, rested and at ease accepting your not well and that you need to just rest.

  • Kari Nina Reply

    I feel so overwelmed right now. It’s SO hard to talk about. I cry cry cry and don’t know what else I can’t do. And it’s getting worst and worst. Forgive my english, I can easily read, but not much talk or write. So… This week there was a long holiday here in Brazil, at the beginning I was ok, getting my stuff back together after the XMANS holiday (took all my january to get better) and then my rotine change again and I broke. Broke so hard. In front of my family. And no one helped me. Now I really am worry about me, cause I never get this point and I wanna get some help, but its too hard to say and… So hard to deal. Those posts and emails are really helping me to understand a few things and be understood. I need this so much that i get anxious. But thank you, thank you so much for “listening”.

  • amine Reply

    Hi guys,
    i have been suffering from panic disorder for about 6 years now, i have not been able to keep jobs or travel or even go down the shop by my self, i just wanna say to whoever read this and suffer the same problem that you are not alone with this and i hope we will be able to get over it soon. anyone wants to chat is welcome to contact me. maybe talking to someone who got the same problem would help or at least we can understand each other.

  • laura Reply

    I have this anxiety problem for about 15 years. The mainly symptom is eye-contacting. I can’t make stable and firm eye-contacting with people. I am soooooooo ashamed of it. I will tell more about it later.

  • Michelle Reply

    I have gone through thoughts like the lady. Wondered how I can think anything bad. Lots of times just my being anxious all the time makes me feel like I’m going to just start screaming. I can even visualize my tantrum. Makes me feel so sad and scared. Even thoughts if I forget where something is makes me feel like another sign I’m crazy then anxious level raises. If it’s a decent day or so I think I worry about it coming on. Like hello you were feeling too good! I’m still here! I just want to feel good and normal.

  • Natasha Smith Reply

    I have come such a long way but I didn’t realise how much general anxiety I still have along side feeling panic in enclosed spaces , even buses , planes etc.I didn’t realise my intrusive thoughts were part of anxiety.I could say good bye to my fam if going overseas and next minute I would be imagining the plane has crashed or have the imminent fear of what if!.I really need help.I’m off on a wee trip with my son and mum and I have to take a 20 min trip on a bus.I can’t stop thinking and worrying about having a panic attack on the bus!I’m tired if this.

  • Tina Reply

    I also have scary thoughts, bad conscience and internal conflicts that prevents me from living normal as i did earlier. Im afraid of starting à new relationship, I avoid crowds and i disparage myself. I make unreasonable demands to myself and If i make mistakes i get anxiety for days, depending on the size of My mistake.

  • Mary Reply

    I have been having panic attacks and anxiety since Sept of 2016 which is now January 2017. No medication. Chest pains everyday, hard to breath,don’t feel like myself at all, dizziness as well. Every single day!!! I am worried this will never stop and I will work myself into other physical problems that are an actual medical issue. I am not fond with taking medications at all so I just deal with it. Has to be some relief somehow, somewhere…. I feel as if I’m stuck in my head all day and things will never end. I will never be how I was before this happened.

  • Dewone Reply

    Well I’ve suffered from anxiety and panic attacks for 3 months and its making me go insane. From time to time im thinking I’m goin crazy. I be having evil thoughts. I be afraid to drive but I still get behind the wheel. I’m scared to stay at home by myself at times. I be thinking I’m dying or having a heart attack and that makes me even crazier. I need help or sum great really advice to get my life back.

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